Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Gitmo? Yes, it tastes like chicken.

Duncan Hunter, a Republican Representative from the state of California, held a news conference yesterday in Washington to remind us about how good ol' Guantanamo Bay ain't as bad as it seems. He brought a couple of prison menus along with him, and we learned that the regular "servings" of physical and mental torture (not to mention the side salad of death) were counterbalanced by a real culinary treat or two-- like, for one, lemon chicken.

Yes, it's true. The cat if officially out of the bag (or was that "bag" yet another U.S-approved torture device?) The prisoners of Guantamo Bay are being served lemon chicken. Not regular ol' chicken. Lemon chicken.

So all you Gitmo detractors out there-- you've officially been zinged. I mean, whose gonna be complaining about pain "of an intensity akin to that which accompanies serious physical injury such as death or organ failure" when the generals in the kitchen are gonna be kickin' it up a notch at 7:30?

I hear that they've also been serving water chesnuts with some meals. Oh... wait.. that's waterBOARDING...

For the record, here's an excerpt of Hunter's speech, as reported by the New York Times: "The guy who wanted to drive that plane into the building at the World Trade Center is going to dine tomorrow on lemon fish with two types of vegetables, two types of fruit, and then he will be afforded his taxpayer-funded Koran, taxpayer-funded prayer beads and oil so he can pray, presumably to kill more Americans."

Hmm. Well, how about we prosecute the real terrorists, then send all of the other guys back to their own countries so that the American taxpayers don't have to spend money on Korans, prayerbeads, oil, and lemon-flavored protiens for these wrongfully imprisoned foreigners?

And by the way, Duncan Hunter, it's the chicken that's sauteed with lemon down at Cafe Gitmo. Geez. You're the one that showed us the menu, remember?

Tit for Tat, Cheney for Nats?

On June 13th, Dick Cheney sat down to a Q&A session with the National Press Club after he delivered a speech for those fine fellows.

Ooh, sounds good. Some pointed, hard-boiled, no-nonsense questions delivered by some of the press' finest to one of the most devilish American political figures, right?


Right after they present Big Dick with a National Press Club coffee mug (how practical! how dainty!) and a certificate of appreciation, Cheney was asked a final question: "How 'bout them 'Nats?"

I'm not making this up. C-SPAN doesn't lie.

The questioner was referring to the ten-game winning streak by the Washington Nationals. Cheney mumbled something about the possibility of renouncing his Cubs fandom before he wandered off from the podium. Well at least he didn't have to explain that whole war thing again.